How to Show up For Work Whole and Healthy
30th September 2024
The word authentic is quite a buzz word these days. We have to be authentic. Show up as ourselves. Attract our tribe. But as an autistic, ADHDer, who didn’t know that about herself, this ideal always proved problematic. Which me are they after?
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What mask shall I wear today?
We all have a number of personas, right? Depending on the situation. One hundred ways we could fill out a dating profile describing ourselves – depending on where we are in our cycle. Where the moon is in hers and who’s wound us up today. We all mask a piece of ourselves when turning up at the inlaws for the first time. Or when picking up the phone to our big boss – the one we rarely see.
But what if you feel like you were given a set of Lego at birth to build yourself with. And as the years passed, felt so fundamentally wrong, so broken, so ‘too much’, so unlovable, so unsafe as you are – that you built yourself out of any block that was given to you? Threw pieces of your own Lego away to replace them with bricks from, not just parents and key adults, but the librarian, the baker and the candlestick maker. This is what people who don’t know who they are under the mask have done.
These are neurodivergent people. Members of the LGBQTIA+ community. And survivors of trauma who grew up in unsafe homes.
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The benefits and dangers of being masked
The realisation that you have hid yourself since childhood, that you don’t actually know where you end and the rest of the world begins is a daunting one.
Where do you start to unmask and show up authentically and how do you keep from losing the respect of the friends and family you want to keep?
How do you stay employed? After-all up to 80% of autistic people are out of full time employment. And, of course, you changed and adapted in the first place to keep yourself safe. You can’t start pulling off pieces of Legos in the tower of yourself/ your mask willy nilly, the foundations aren’t stable as it is – it could all just come tumbling down.
But make a start -you must. And if not relevant to you, then you must start to support those around you. If you mimic social behaviours, learn social scripts, and conceal personal interests to fit in with peers this is a great effort and leads to a loss of self-identity, increased stress, poor mental health and particularly in late diagnosed neurodivergent women lifelong or life limiting pain and autoimmune conditions.
Yes, research has shown on a number of occasions that a conflict over expressing pain or not being boundaried over something you don’t want, increases the likelihood of chronic pain. Pain costs the Uk £100 billion. Yes £100 billion annually. And wait for it – poor mental health costs the UK £300 billion a year. £300 billion. So the question we should all be asking is – can we afford NOT to live authentically and help those around us to do the same?
The first step to start to unmask is to ask yourself – who am I? What hobbies do you enjoy doing? Are they yours or a friend’s? What music would you listen to alone? And how would the way you behave change if you were being completely honest with yourself in the safety of your own home, alone perhaps at first. You can involve your ‘circle of trust’ later.
The second is to figure out what masking has looked like over the years – for example, one aspect is stimming, or self regulatory behaviour. And it isn’t just flapping in the corner. It is going on inside your shoes as you wiggle your toes and as you play with your jewellery or hair. It can show up as people thinking you fancy them – when you don’t. It can be carried in your head as echoes of songs and the things people say as they walk past.
Unmasking is a layered process that gets more complicated as you involve your people. As some will love you but not understand the need to talk about labels. Others you have to love, but you can’t completely unmask around and some you can stim with, but will still need to write scripts in your head to meet.
It can’t be explained in one article – it’s why I am writing the book “How to Unmask”. And if you feel like you have an anecdote or evidence to share on this I’d love to hear it. Come along to G48 and I’ll add your thoughts to the book. After-all we are all experts in our own life and that’s what my clients discover working with me. Zebras never were broken horses. #bemorezebra
Nicci Lou – Confidence Coach, AuDHDer, Queer, Mother to NDs, Beach Lover